Circumstance: we've been on holiday this week. It has been beautifully warm and sunny - relatively rare in Scotland. We desperately needed a break. Work has been busy for us both and i know i was burnt out. The situation wasn't being helped by being ill for the last few weeks. Then Daisy started vomiting. Dramatically. Every 30 minutes or so for about a day. Then it started the other way. Needless to say, the last few days before we left for our planned break to Aviemore was messy and tiring. Still, after a slight delay we figured Daisy was well enough to travel - and one of the reasons we had decided on a wee lodge in Aviemore was that it was very much a known entity. Easy to get to and easy to get things we might need, which meant we didn't have to pack the kitchen sink.
The game plan was a few walks in the stunning forrest. Perhaps a steam train ride. The lodge is affiliated to the Hilton hotel so had access to a swimming pool, soft play and various other activities that we know Daisy loves. It should have been a good break - time to enjoy our own company and recharge the batteries.
After almost no sleep on the first night, i woke in the morning and promptly vomited. Unusual for me. Trina didn't feel great either. Daisy was rallying so we tried to entertain her as best we could. Then the floodgates opened for me. That was Monday and nothing very much has changed as i sit here on Thursday morning, except Trina is just as bad.
Why am i telling you all this, dear blog? Well, in truth it is because i am bitter and angry. Raging, if you will. I desperately needed a break. Desperately. Instead i have been chained to a porcelain prison. I had grand plans of managing a ride in the Cairngorm while we were away, to take advantage of the unprecedented fine run of weather. The conditions were amazing. Instead we drove home with our hearts (or stomachs, i couldn't tell) in our mouths on monday evening. With us both being so unwell, it was too hard to deal with everything and keep Daisy entertained without being at home.
This has been a bit of a pattern the last few months. Any time off or window of opportunity has been thwarted by circumstance. Illness, exhaustion, house stuff whatever. I've tried to be Zen about it. Keep in mind the long game.
But at the moment i'm just sad. Fed up. My will is broken.
I dont do 'wanderings' anymore. One of the aspects of my life that i felt defined me seems to have evaporated. My head is full of white noise and i don't see much light at the end of the tunnel. There it is.
I cant remember how many posts i have made now that i look back on, shake my head and consign to the misery pile. But it is far too many. Maybe the sign is that this blog is dead. The blogger certainly isn't fit for purpose.